Forgiveness: Good for Them or Good for You?

Recently I was hurt by someone I thought was a friend. We seemed to share a lot of interests and enjoyed working together. Over the years, though, I realized that this friend was not a true friend, and at one point I became the victim of her betrayal. Our friendship quickly crumbled.

Over several weeks, I struggled with resentment and anger. I began to have difficulty sleeping and developed a pain in my right shoulder. I had lost my focus and felt irritable on a nearly daily basis.

Searching for guidance, I read about a priest who worked for St. Paul Chapel near Wall Street in NYC. This church was very close to the Twin Towers. After 9/11, this priest worked hundreds of hours serving the community and kept the church open night and day to make sure anyone who needed help, support, and even a place to sleep had somewhere to go. Later that year, church leadership disagreed with him over the mission and direction of the church. He felt hurt and forgotten by the church and all the things he had done. He developed physical illnesses from working near the Towers. His personal life and his marriage fell apart. He admitted to holding onto resentments over how he was treated and how his life turned out.

It was hard for me to imagine that someone who gave every hour of their lives after 9/11 to care for others would go through an experience as he did. It made me curious how he found his way back to health and life. He did it through forgiveness.

Forgiveness

There are studies on forgiveness and its effect on mental and physical health. One study of a survey of more than 1,400 Americans showed that forgiveness toward others correlated with positive physical and mental health benefits.

One particular study showed that high levels of forgiveness correlate with low levels of lifetime stress and mental health symptoms.

Another study showed that a level of unforgiveness toward others can directly affect depressive symptoms while unforgiveness toward self showed an indirect relationship with depressive symptoms. Additionally, not forgiving others or oneself showed a significant correlation with rumination, resentment, and depression.

Rumination

Rumination is repetitive negative thinking that can interfere with normal mental functioning. Research has shown that increased rumination has a correlation with decreased sleep and increased levels of the stress hormone, cortisol.

A Word on Cortisol

Cortisol is an important hormone, as it helps regulate our fight or flight responses and more routinely allows us to get through the day, by maintaining our metabolism, our brain function, and immune system. However, with chronic stress, cortisol levels go haywire. Chronically elevated levels of cortisol, when responding to chronic stress, can negatively affect our cardiovascular system and our sleep, and can even erode our memory center—specifically, the hippocampus. In fact, studies have shown that individuals with chronic posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) have smaller hippocampi than individuals without chronic PTSD. So cortisol, an important hormone, must remain in balance. With rumination, it is thrown out of balance and can affect us physically.

So what can we do to protect ourselves from rumination, bitterness, and unforgiveness? Can you measure forgiveness?

Effects on Physical Health

While rumination and resentment correlate to higher stress and mental health problems, forgiveness seems to be a protective mechanism. One study looked at 71 participants and their level of physiologic stress responses when recalling a hurtful memory or grudge. Those with unforgiving thoughts during the memory had higher levels of muscle tension, heart rate, and blood pressure. Those with more forgiving thoughts had what the researchers called a “buffer” to these physiologic stress responses. Their heart rate and blood pressure changes were not as severe. How cool is that?

Mindfulness Helps, Too

Other studies have looked at combating rumination with either a cognitive distraction exercise, a problem-solving exercise, or a mindfulness exercise. This study examined how well each approach helped a group of adolescents reduce rumination. Cognitive and mindfulness exercises worked best, with mindfulness being the most effective.

We Know the Why. So What About the How?

How does one forgive in a meaningful way? It takes no effort to say “I forgive,” but to mean it—that is significant. It felt like a bit of a mystery to me.

There are many teachings around forgiveness, and a lot are spiritually based ones. One interesting approach was developed by Dr. Everett L. Worthington. It is called REACH, which stands for

R: Recall the hurt.

E: Empathize with the offender.

A: Altruism: Grant the offender a gift of forgiveness.

C: Commit to the act of forgiveness.

H: Hold onto the forgiveness.

Recalling the hurt is not hard. If we are being honest, most hurts are sitting right under the surface, and we can bring them to mind easily. Anger and bitterness may follow the memory.

Empathizing with the offender may be more difficult. A friend of mine went through a similar experience when she was unfairly fired from a job. She found out later that an ally at the job did not stand up for her and knew the firing was unfair. Why the betrayal? My friend learned that her ally did not have the resources to stand up for her. She risked losing her job, which was her only source of income as a single mother. I can empathize with that. Haven’t we all been in similar untenable situations?

Altruism requires us to give away something to someone who may not have earned or does not deserve it. Certainly, we have benefited in the past from altruism. I know I have; professors and mentors who gave me their time, resources, and wisdom are ones I recall and cherish. Others who have forgiven me for a fault or mistake are other examples.

Committing to forgiveness is key, as it gives meaning to the act. It is not the simple sentence but the actual commitment that matters.

Source: Christopher Sardegna / Unsplash

Holding onto forgiveness can help with a relapse into bitterness. We are all susceptible to relapsing in times of stress or anger. Holding onto the forgiveness of others is a way to remind or renew ourselves about the commitment we made, even through difficult circumstances.

Practice

The REACH technique was easier for me to wrap my brain around. Looking at my most recent hurt, I approach applying forgiveness as a way to heal myself. Reframing this was key. It gave me the freedom to release my hurt. Not surprisingly, as I started to practice it, my sleep got better. Not overnight, but day to day, I wake more rested. My shoulder? Less tension. My mood is less irritable. Some days are easier than others, but each day is better than the last. Being focused on the future and creating goals and plans gives life more joy.